rock, paper ... peanut butter

yeah, that's right; peanut butter. unless you live in the beautiful community of ullswater, ontario (canada), you may not be privy to the coolest game, ever. we call it "rock, paper, anything." [thank you k'firim staff]

the rules are simple:

• at least three people need to be present to play
• one person must be the arbitrator
• each combatant must say his/her anything and then proceed to argue why it beats the other person's anything
• the most insistent/persistent person wins

here's an example between tyranosaurus rex and a rubber ducky, composed in first-person (though you should play in third-person).

t-rex: i am over sixty feet tall
ducky: i am more nimble than you. plus, i'm the size of your brain!
t-rex: so, who cares? my teeth could rip you to bits.
ducky: big deal. dogs chew on me all the time and i escape, scott free. your teeth'll fall out before they puncture my plastic-like exterior.
t-rex: i can handle myself against velociraptors, brontosaura, and triceratops. what possible harm can you do against me?
ducky: remember that asteroid a few million years ago? boo yah.
arbitrator: point rubber ducky.

trump cards include michael jackson, chuck norris (if you still think that those jokes are funny) / jack bauer, god (though be prepared for blasphemous remarks), aids, gonorrhea, and eric cartman.

party on wayne...

an algonquin experience

another way to finish a portage?

chef aid?

before we witness the removal of jerome mcelroy, aka chef, from south park tomorrow night, i thought it might be appropriate to have a brief retrospective of hiliarious-at-the-time chef quotes/moments from the show, in chronological order. perhaps we will find out where he had been hiding for seasons seven, eight, and nine, as well.

• cartman gets an anal probe: "that's when they put a big metal hooba-jube up yo' butt."
• the volcano: "that has got to be the most ridiculous load of pig crap I have ever seen!"
• big gay al's big gay boat ride: "no pip, we still don't have a helmet for you."
• an elephant makes love to a pig: "forget about all that genetic engineering whoosafudge. if you want to combine a pig and an elephant, just get them to make sweeet love."
• cartman's mom is a dirty slut: "you children sit down, and let me explain somethin' to you about where babies come from. then, you'll see why I can't be your dad ..."
• chef aid: "well, you see, mr. big record producer, 'stinky britches' was something I wrote several years ago"
• chef's mama: "it's time for luncheroo" [oh, my bad. that was mr. durp, the white chef who took over after real chef quit.]
• are you there god? it's me, jesus: "now, what's the matter, little cracker?"
• the tooth fairy's tats 2000: "what have i told you about drugs?!"
  [the boys: that there's a time and a place for everything, and it's called college.]
• chef goes nanners: "because your cracker-ass parents turned you into little cracker-ass cracker-racists!"
• die hippie, die: "i'm alive"

you're a eurotrash colon lying down

"hey children" no longer. the once-loved, now-gone-the-route-of-tom-cruise-crazy isaac hayes has ended his relationship with the creators of south park, matt stone and trey parker, for their realistic portrayal of his religion (read: cult), scientology, in an episode last fall. furthermore, variety.com reports that cruise, a fellow scientologist, purportedly strong-armed viacom, comedy central's parent company, into removing the episode "trapped in the closet" from future airings if paramount (also owned by viacom) wished him to promote "mission impossible: iii" this summer. expect one of the following scenarios to occur in respone:

1. parker and stone will destroy the credibility of scientology even more so, perhaps including other adherents besides cruise and hayes. other cult followers include the "look who's talking" duo—john travolta and kirstie alley—lisa marie presley, kelly preston, juliette lewis, jenna elfman, both ribisis, and the voice of bart simpson—nancy cartwright.
2. removing chef, the character, from the show in a most outrageous fashion. think grosser than vaginaplasty + racier than the tunnel of prejudice + more stereotypical than kyle's cousin kyle + flamboyancy of big gay al + spectacular death scene = removal of chef, forever. and no, it won't be a "woodland critter christmas"-style ending where the narrator merely summarizes in the final lines: "except for kyle, who died of aids two weeks later."
3. my bet, however, is some combination of the first and second options. stay tuned, this wednesday, to see the events unfold.

mr. hayes, in the immortal words of the always-eloquent eric cartman, "wipe the sand out of your vagina."

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on the tech front, internet portal yahoo! is undergoing its first major redesign since 2004. according to one news source:

these latest design changes help promote some of the shopping features ..., as well as make some of yahoo's personalization features more prominent.

by internet standards, this redesign is long overdue, or, on the other hand, completely unnecessary.
jennnifer kyrnin, the web design/html guide @ about.com believes that "redesigns rely on the principle that whatever is on the site at present is so absolutely horrible that no customer is finding anything on it." if a user is used to finding the information that s/he needs in a particular spot, it will take some added time and patience for him/her to refind that same link on the redesign. thus, massive overhauls are—generally—frowned upon by the web designing community (unless the site unleashes a massive pr campaign announcing the change).
in order to counteract aesthetic fatigue, iterative design has taken its stead. in other words, imitate what other sites (perhaps your competitors) do best, tweak it a little, and monitor the response from your browsers. for example, the amazon.com or apple.com tabbed layout has been adopted by many of the web's most popular shopping sites, including retail powerhouse wal*mart.
over the next few days, you might see the new yahoo! appear on your screen. don't be alarmed. the selective beta testing—of which you might be a part of—is an ongoing process. for this ititerative redesign, the folks @ yahoo! have placed the search box in the upper left-hand corner because that's where user's (from the english-speaking world) generally look first when a site loads. oh, and tabs have been integrated in a more streamlined fashion. it might seem a weird at first, but give it time. i think that the new yahoo! is undoubtably more efficient, concise, and easier-to-use than its predecessor.

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please enjoy the following open letter to umlaut, you know, the those floating dots: ¨.

dear umlaut

you think you're so damn cool, huh? just hanging out, chillin', above all those vowels. you're all, "ooh, look at me, i'm a chic umlaut. i make girls' names look modish, like zoë and chloë, and I rock with strung out '80s metal bands!"

well, guess what? you're only an umlaut if you're modifying the pronunciation of a singular vowel, like in "führer" or "über." if you're stressing the second of two consecutive vowels or one that would usually be silent according to common english usage, you're just a plain old boring dieresis. how 'bout that, you naïve jackass? god, you're such a poseur, umlaut. you're nothing but two measly dots. you're a eurotrash colon lying down. nobody thinks you're cool.

sincerely,
josh abraham
kew gardens, ny

[c/o ]

they do exist...

hamas' political chief reiterated wednesday that the group would not recognize israel, and issued a strong warning to current palestinian leader mahmoud abbas to take no steps without consulting the group. [courtesy of ap through jpost.com]

great idea. continue to not recognize israel's existence after it gives you millions of dollars to use at your own discretion. and while your at it, pressure/cajole/demand the united states and the eu to continue their aid program while you continue to deny the existence of your neighbor, the easiest-to-acknowledge term of the aid agreement.
speaking of acknowledging israel's existence and/or recognizing its jewish neighbors, iran took a solid, albeit misguided, step forward today. perhaps unbeknownst (n.b. a word that i've never used before) to president mahmoud ahmadinejad, the nation's largest newspaper recognized the shoah through an extremely reprehensible and insidious means: a cartoon contest. twelve winners will each receive gold coins worth slightly over $100 for their entries. the "deliberately inflammatory" contest, in the words of the graphics editor for the hamshahri newspaper, would test the limits of freedom of expression. this contest, stemming from the danish-depiction-of-muhammad turned danish-boycott-in-the-muslim-world turned storming-embassies turned lighting-these-buildings-on-fire turned riots-in-twelve-nations, seems malicious, crude, inane, and beyond-offensive. yet, by creating a cartoon contest for the shoah, one could interpret this to mean that the iranians believe that the shoah did occur. the article did not state, at least to my knowledge, that the competition asked cartoonists to represent events that purportedly occurred between 1939 and 1945. it asked iranians to depict the shoah. thus, through a circuitous route, some iranians are acknowledging the veracity of the shoah. in the meantime, before the contest is complete, we must counteract and/or react to this repulsive hydra that is the instigative iran.

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in addition to journalistic and diplomatic actions, a third, more innovative measure—s.e.o (search engine optimization)—has been implemented. the israel news agency has begun an aggressive search engine optimization campaign that will bombard web portals and search engines with data to prevent iranian news websites from taking top spots. s.e.o.s are not uncommon on search engines like google; instead of web-based casinos and ipods, the agency will use phrases similar to "iran cartoon contest" or "iran holocaust contest" to redistribute hits.
regardless of the means, the contest must not be able to continue. we, as normal, rational human beings, will not riot in the streets or set embassies ablaze. rather, we will act in an assertive, composed manner to handle this particular incident in a civilized manner.

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and if you would prefer to read a cartoon about the shoah, i suggest maus, the graphic novel by art spiegelman. or, if iranian history happens to be your forté, check out marjane satrapi's graphic narrative persepolis. both are worthwhile and credible reads.

the shake

ok folks and a rich welcome to you. any questions before i begin nattering away for the wind is up.

george: because it's all in the greeting . . . . you know a shake is bad
jerry: shake is bad. but what if it's the two-hander? the hand on bottom, the hand on top? the warm look in the eyes—
george: the hand sandwich
jerry: right
george: absolu—well, i—it's open to interpretation because so much depends on the layering

that is true. so much does depend on the layering, amongst other factors—

1. grip style: do the thumbs meet? is it a left-hand right-hand? is it fingers only? wet-noodle ala mr. burns?
   
2. strength and vigor: is their equal return of force? crushed hands?
   
3. clamminess: are the hands dry? balmy?
   
4. temperature: is it a cold-warm shake?
   
5. duration: is it a quickie? serious? up-and-down movement? uncomfortably long? eye-contact?
   
6. body position: across the body? hand extended forward/sideways? body following the hand forward? behind the back?
   
7. yaw: does the wrist pivot?
   
8. the other hand: at the side? holding a drink? embrace-and-shake pat on the back?

i once heard that the best way to learn about someone's personality, non-verbally, is through watching him/her eat and drive, though not at the same time. i would like to amend this adage by including the handshake. the handshake, beyond almost all other forms of non-verbal communication, is by far the best means to understand what type of person you are meeting. the implications of a simple handshake can have far-reaching consequences—in the business world, sales and opportunities can fall through one's fingers from a bad shake; at social gatherings, a handshake can signify one's interest, prominence, and/or sociability level; and on the street or in politics, life or death. thus, one must learn to quickly adopt and adapt his/her style of shake to the current situation. matching and reciprocating force, embracing with the other arm, hand-sandwiching, changing positions on the fly for a three part shake (ie. from thumb-locking and finger-gripping to the point-and-snap), and, most importantly, spotting the open hand are crucial for creating the great (and appropriate) shake.
of course, complicating circumstances can make this seemingly normal hand routine an awkward situation quickly:

• man-woman
• social setting
• dirty hand-clean hand
• sick-no sick
• teacher-student
• big hand-little hand
• frail-normal

failing to seem in control in these situations gives rise to the awkward shake-and-hugs, shake-and-kisses, or the too-weak/strong-for-a-good-first-impressions shakes. redoing the situation is permitted, and in fact, strongly encouraged, if you feel that such action will help reduce the shake anxiety. [aside: no, i'm not psycho for permitting people to redo handshakes. it's a common practice and makes for a better first impression.] think of the redo as something along the lines of retaking the s.a.t. because you know that you could do better.

in 1922, emily post, the american authority on etiquette, wrote that "the proper handshake is made briefly; but there should be a feeling of strength and warmth in the clasp." eighty-four years later, her tenet still remains firmly held in the handshaking ethos.

i broke the dam

stan: dude, that isn't cool. you shouldn't joke about kenny being dead. enough time hasn't passed.
cartman: so how long until we can joke about it?
kyle: twenty-two point three years. that's how long it takes for something tragic to become funny.

twenty-two point three years? matt stone and trey parker have since reworked this tragic-to-funny block of time to something like twenty-two point three days. in last week's "two days before the day after tomorrow," an intensely hilarious satire on a) american media (notably foxnews), b) american fears compounded by the media, c) scientific bogusness, and d) responses to tragedy in a spoof of roland emmerich's the day after tomorrow, a flood engulfs the neighboring town of beaverton, colorado. instead of the standard approach for the south park townspeople to display their differing views—"rabble, rabble, rabble"—we see a more urgent cry for help among these fear-induced peons of the 24-hour american media—"jesus christ, jesus christ, jesus christ." unfortunately, "jesus christ" mr. slave style, is absent from this medley. overall, a great start for the second half of season nine—townspeople fighting, global tragedies ensuing, cartman anti-semitising and mr. (err... ms.) garrison still transvestitizing...

in case you were wondering, it took me four weeks (see last post 9/22) to own up to this ...
"i literally broke the fucking dam!"